If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
