tell your sister to shave her snatch
In America we eat man semen.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
