His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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