I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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