Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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