dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
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Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
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I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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