and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
