im drinking this country out of the recession.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
where are my eyebrows?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
