the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
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I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
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What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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