I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
