I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
