just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
