Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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