I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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