I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
