4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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