EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
