Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
