Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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