i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
