we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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