I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
