i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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