Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
