i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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