just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
