her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
