Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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