I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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