Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
