last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
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Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
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Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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