His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
