I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
zippers are such a cool invention
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Randomize
