if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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