Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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