She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
