Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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