i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
