My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
