the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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