haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
