i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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