New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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