WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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