He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
