There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I am one with the molecules
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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