Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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