There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
