my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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