Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
