i just sent this text using only my big toe
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
