He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
