i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
