I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
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