i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
PANTIES FOUND
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