you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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